I’d love to be writing another post about the kindness of strangers today.  Remember that wonderful couple in the bookstore I told you about last spring?  Well, today’s post is quite the opposite.

Yesterday was the last day of my 8 year old’s soccer season.  The girls had a fabulous time playing together!  The coaches were fantastic.  These girls love each other to no end, and they play together fabulously.  As usual, I had my camera in hand.  I love snapping pictures of the girls as they score a goal!

As I was taking pictures, I thought I heard a mom from the other team yelling, “Push her down!”  I told myself, “No. No parent would really say something like that?”  Then I heard it a few more times and when her daughter really did push another little girl down, she cheered her on.

You might be wondering why the refs didn’t hear this and say something to the mother.  In our league, the refs are usually 5th or 6th grade boys.  This little guy is just about the same size as the players.

They are terrific with the girls.  When the girls do something wrong, they stop the play, do a little teaching, and then have them try it again.  They’ll blow the whistle and have the girls try the throw in again, and remind them that they need to keep their feet on the ground.  Kick off is always tough and the nice boys are always reminding our girls that they need to kick the ball forward.  These refs are young kids, not much older that our girls, and I would never want them to be put in a position where they had to confront an unruly parent.

I really couldn’t believe it and in the back of my mind I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt, assuming that I had misheard the mother on the sidelines.  As we were packing up, after the game, the woman and her husband were walking right toward me.  The kindergarten teacher in me took over.  I did not approach her with a “momma bear” attack speech.  I walked up to the couple and said, “Can I ask you a question?  I thought I heard something during the game and I just wanted to clarify before we all leave.  I was sure I heard someone on your team telling their daughter to push our girls down.  I just wanted to check with you before I left because I just didn’t want to end our season feeling badly about the way another team acted, when it could have been something I misheard.”

I was shocked by this mother’s response.  She started with, “Oh, I said that.  I told my daughter to get out there and be more aggressive.”

I was very proud of myself.  I did not go into attack mode.  I spoke very calmly and said, “We all tell our girls to go out there and play their little hearts out.  We want them to run fast, go for the ball, and be aggressive, but we would never, NEVER, tell our children to go out there and harm another player on purpose.”

Again, I was a bit shocked at her response.  She said, “Well, we’ve heard that your team started practicing well before you were supposed to start and they are just a really good team.  We have to teach our girls to get more aggressive on the field.  My daughter is just learning the game.”

How do you even respond to irrational logic like this?  I told them that, “No, we had not started to practice before everyone else.  Yes, our girls are talented soccer players.  They love the game. Those issues are not the point. It’s JUST NOT OKAY to tell your daughter to go out there are hurt someone ON PURPOSE. We teach our kids to play hard and have fun and if they are losing, to run faster and try to get the ball away from the other team.  Physically harming an 8 year old girl, learning the game of soccer, will never be the right answer.”

To me, hearing another mother tell their daughter to push someone down is like hearing them tell her to punch someone in the face.  There’s just no reason for this.  We send our sweet little eight year old girls, bouncing onto the field with their pigtails to PLAY.  Play should never include an adult instructing their child to HURT someone.  

At this point in the conversation, I think (hope) that the mother was realizing that she was in the wrong.  She said, “Well, this is just very uncomfortable, with you causing a scene like this.”

We were the only 3 people standing there.  My team had no idea what I was talking to this couple about.  My mother in law thought I’d gone to talk with someone I knew on the other team.  By this time, the girls were all off doing cartwheels.

After looking around, I said, “I don’t see anyone making a scene.  It’s just the three of us, having a conversation.  I just wanted to come talk to you because I really thought I had misheard you.  I know you wouldn’t want your daughter playing in a league where parents encourage their kids to physically hurt someone.  All of our kids are learning the sport and there’s just no reason to tell them to harm each other on the field.  That’s just not okay.”

I hope that I touched a nerve with this mother.  I hope that she understood that her actions were far beyond inappropriate.  She continued on, telling me that I was causing a scene and making her feel very uncomfortable.  When she started raising her voice at me, I simply told her that I hoped she’d think better about the example she’s setting for her daughter, and walked back to my team.  I have to admit, I was a bit choked up.  I really couldn’t believe she was defending her actions.  It crushed my ideal that all people are inherently good.  Suddenly, I found myself thinking that people are just horrible.  It made me sad to be raising my children in a place where people are like this. I was really worked up about this conversation for the next two hours or so.  I was sad, frustrated, and discouraged.  As a kindergarten teacher, in a building that lives and breathes Character Education, I felt good about the calm manner in which I talked to this mom, parent to parent.  But, it also gave me the feeling of , “Why bother?”  We spend day after day teaching our students kindness, empathy, and respect but the actions of some parents crush our efforts.  We are a school that feels it’s our duty to educate our children and make sure they are  really smart kids, but if we had to choose, we’d rather have kind kids than smart kids.  We strive every day make a positive difference in the world through our actions and teach kids to, above all else, BE GOOD PEOPLE.  Does it really matter?  I was just feeling like all of the work we do is worthless.  The role models these kids have teach them that when someone is faster or stronger than you, it’s a good idea to hurt them to even the playing field.

As I was dwelling on this realization, I remembered the two weeks before.  Both times, I was in the parking lot when a mother from the other team came to track me down.  One time, it was just a mom wanting to tell me that our girls play so well together and have a lot of talent.

 Another time, it was a mom who wanted me to tell one of the girls on our team what a great job she had done.  It was muddy, wet, and cold, and this little girl had spent half of the game on the ground because she was playing so hard that she kept slipping.  She’d pop right back up and keep playing.  The other team had noticed her good attitude and determination and just wanted to tell her to keep up the good work! Hmmm.  Maybe people aren’t all evil.

So, here’s what I’d like to say to the mother on the sidelines, who thinks it’s okay to tell her daughter to push another 8 year old girl down, so she can get the upper hand…

Irrational soccer mom, with the really cute sunglasses and the really ugly attitude, YOU ARE NOT ONE OF US!  We will continue to encourage our girls to play with kindness and respect.  We will cheer them on when they do well and lift their spirits when they slip in the mud.  We will cheer for YOUR team too.  We will continue to be the parents who say, “Wow, great stop Goalie!” when a little girl on YOUR team stops one of our girls’ shots.  We are a team of character, irrational soccer mom, and when you are ready to act in a way that supports playing your heart out with kindness, determination, respect, and hard work, then maybe  I’ll reconsider.  Until then, I hope you’ll reconsider your actions.  I hope you think about the type of game you are teaching your little girl.  Most of all, I hope you will be a better role model for your daughter.  Teaching your daughter to hurt someone, on purpose, when they are behind, is NEVER the right thing to do.